Pnina Ponders

Long time no Be

2009-04-06T13:31:00.003-04:00

Since October, I've had a lot going on. I went bankrupt in November...In December, my SSI was cut off (no notice-it's called emergency SSI, so they are not required to tell you!) I am on my second appeal.
In March, the government saw fit to cancel my Medicaid (again without notice{only emergency}), after taking a bus and walking 2 miles to a dermatology appointment to take care of some bleeding skin problems(cancer?). Who knows...
Now, I have no way to see doctors and prove I need the SSI. I am getting food stamps(Thank G_d!), but I am falling further into debt.
I couldn't pay my property taxes OR my utilities OR my $130 per mo. maintenance to the Homeowners' Assn.
I make $250 a month cleaning the pool area and picking up the trash around the complex (That is my total income per month!)
I got the flu(could not afford the shot), last month and am still dealing with the remnants of it (With an infection in my lungs).
NO MONEY-NO DOCTOR-NO ANTIBIOTICS!
I have $40 to my name, and I can't pay this month's bills either!
To top that off, Passover is in 2 days and for the first time in my life, I must celebrate it Alone. I wasn't invited anywhere for the Seder. My aunt and uncle were invited "somewhere" to someone's home(friend of my late mom), but did my aunt think to ask that friend if I could
be invited??? THAT HURTS! Last year, when I still had a car, I was invited to my mom's best friend's daughter's home, at the last minute. I was SO happyto have aplace to go!
NO CAR-NO JOB-NO MONEY- NO LIFE!
According to my mother's best friend, there are tons of job openings and EVERYONE is hiring...BULLCRAP!
I'm very depressed and I must wait 1-2 months on a waiting list to get an appointment for therapy for free (The County charges $40 if you haven't got insurance or Medicaid-Even on a sliding scale, Jewish Family Services charges $20-25).
In the meantime, I hang on to hope and my sanity, praying I won't do anything rash, while I wait.
My whole life is on hold, and, in general, doesn't feel particularly worth living. My friends sat they'd miss me. I figure, in a few months memories of me would fade and disappear and I would be in oblivion. The only obstacle to offing myself is to make sure someone would take care of Moishe, my Jewhuahua, and give him a loving home.
I am tired all the time now, active or not, feeling quite the parasite on society, and my friends and family. What to do...what to do...?

In Memory of Uncle Morrie

2008-10-29T16:39:00.005-04:00

To Morris Winacoff

Uncle Morrie-I will miss the kind gentle man I knew all my life; birthdays, holidays, glad time and sad times. ALWAYS!

He had fought in Italy during WWII and at some point married my Aunt Lenore. Uncle Morrie doted on her...She died from a heart attack in 1977 at the ripe old age of 49.

Then, he married Mary, a lovely little lady, widowed, too. We all knew her because she and her first huband (another good man) were friends with Lenore and Morrie...Mary was totally absorbed into the family.

Mary doted on Morrie and vice versa. For the last 31 years they both tended and loved one another, in sickness and in health, a wonderful marriage. During that time, Morrie discovered more family, reunited with his progeny and was incorporated into his own family, their life moments too.

So, when my late mom's twin called to tell me her late (Oldest) sister, Lenore, ...Well, anyway, Uncle Morrie had passed away. He had had a form of Leukemia which seemed to progress slowly. The last few years had him in the hospital several times, not including the prostate cancer, with chemo and radiation, etc. This year, in and out of the hospital and a lot of transfusions.

Never once, did I ever see Uncle Morrie raise his hand or his voice, get angry, or say anything cruel or mean to another human being. I thank him for being an important part of my life, a dear gentle man, a role model of how to be a patient and kind soul.

I will think of you often, dear man.

So, How was Your day??

2008-10-26T19:07:00.010-04:00

All day today,I thought about IT...The "it" being a nasty phone call, I recieved last night. Earlier, my day began with a ride to a B'nei Mitzvot:In this case, it was the Bar and Bat Mitzvah (a Jewish rite of passage undertaken and celebrated now,by both boys and girls, at the approximate age of 13 years) of my late mama's best friend's grandchildren.

It was taking place at a nearby Shul (synagogue). Having no car (mine died and sold for $200 to a junkyard), I was given a lift with a lady (friend to the grandma) who had bad legs and so had a driver drive her. I thanked them for picking me up and while I gave them directions to the Shul, she told me she had had 11 spinal fusions.

When we arrived at the shul, her driver opened her door, set up her 3 legged walker with apocket in the middle to carry things, then helped her situate herself with the helpful tripod.

She had a gift bag for the children, with her purse in it, as well, which I brought out of the back seat, when I got out of the car. I handed her the bag, then opened the heavy door into the building for her. She walked into the Shul, and as the door was closing, I saw another older lady trying to get out of the car that had pulled up. She was having trouble negotiating the curb, so I went outside to help her, extending my hand to her. She took it and I reopened the door ushering her inside. She thanked me and walked off to a group of people milling around between the pews, where the actual service was still going on, and rows of chairs behind those pews.

I waked toward the pews, spotted my aunt and uncle, and sat down with them. It was a nice feeling to hear and participate, lose myself in the familiar
chants and liturgy I had heard since early childhood. The kids did their parts beautifully, and their speeches did themselves and family proud!

I hitched a ride to the reception wth my aunt and uncle, and had a wonderful time.

I was home by four, and the day had gone well, or so I thought. Then out of the blue, I get a phone call from Susan, the lady with the driver. She called me. She was irate, angry and verbally abusive as she read me the riot act.
She said that she had fallen down immediately after she had walked inside
(though i went in less than 90 seconds later), that since she had brought me to the affair, I owed it to her to tend to her needs and no one elses. She spent at least six minutes berating me for my selfish, thoughtless, unkind nature.

I called my mom's friend to set things straight. She called Susan. Don't you know that Susan called me an hour later ( Thank G-D for Caller ID!), so I did
NOT answer it, the voice mail did. When I played it back later, there was more than three minutes of ranting...I deleted it.

I have a bumper sticker on my front patio door. It says, "No good deed goes unpunished!" This seems to be an accurate summing up of my lfe as does Murphy's Law!!!

When I die, I hope people will remember me as an honest, gentle, accepting
soul who always tried to do the right thing, loved well, gave of herself and held on to her life only with the help of her sense of humor.

international travesty

2008-10-07T23:40:00.002-04:00

I spent nearly ten hours on the phone in the last week, trying to fix my HP lemon of a computer, trying to get it working right. Who did I get help from? People from 3rd World countries. I am sick to death, of saying, "Please repeat that", and "I cannot understand what you said". I am tired of hearing response such as, "I am sorry for your inconvenience ", "Don't worry, We will solve your problems" with customer service and so called tech support from India I had to recover it twice this week, made back-up disks that ended up blank, lost all my pictures (family and the rest), all documents and everything else. Obviously, their (HP's) DVD drivers suck!

After paying $52.99 for their One-time fix, last month, I again had to pay $99.99 for a year's extended service plan. Imagine my surprise when I checked my bank account & discovered they charged me tax- even worse, a service fee from my bank for an international service transaction. Americans cannot find jobs but corporations continue to out-source. McAfee scan yielded no infections after a 18 hour scan and crappy customer service/ tech support from the Philipines. The $85 billion bailout is going to pay back debts to China and others,some of whom are our enemies or working with terrorist nations. Some will go to Industry and Corporate CEO's, who will get a million dollars a week to sit on their asses as they screw country and customers via bad products & outsourced services. What bailout- It is Bulls--t! People on fixed incomes or no incomes are the fodder these companies live on. Money IS the bottom line...

no one and nothing else matters to them. Neither We,the People, nor the ethics or morality of their self-serving methods matters. Humanity has no place in business, or so it seems. If there is a Hell, I hope they go there!!

Tonight I finally got from a real live American, in America-Imagine THAT. Yipee...we are saved!!

Next week, maybe, I will tackle government assistance programs and health services in general.

A Memory of Paul Newman

2008-09-29T02:29:00.003-04:00

When Paul Newman died last week, I cried. A great actor had left his mark in Hollywood and a good soul had left the world. I had always had a wee crush on him and one day, in 1983, I actually got to meet him. I was doing the clinical part of learning to be a unit secretary. It was at Broward General, a hospital in Ft. Lauderdale, and he was working on a movie called "Harry and Son", with Robbie Benson. Word spread around the hospital, that Mr. Newman was doing a scene of the movie in "our" hospital and the ladies and girls were all smiles and giggles, hoping to get a glimpse of this beautiful man. I was working in the obstetrics ward, and some of us had a break. Hearing he was on our floor, we started to look for him.
Not quite running or walking, we went through the halls to seek him out. As we sped by an alcove, and I saw him out of the corner of my eye. The others kept going and I stopped. He was just standing there . He was not very tall, was wearing a cabbie hat and just leaning against the wall. He was older than I thought him to be and not as big as he appeared on screen. I smiled at him and he smiled at me. Briefly, I thought about asking him to give me his autograph, but all I had with me was a package of instant cocoa. Now what?
I thought better of it, out of respect for his privacy. I looked into those clear twinkling eyes of his, smiled and said hello.
Suprisingly, he smiled at me and said hello back. I felt my face get warm and blushed. I said "Thank you", he smiled and I walked away, feeling like I was on top of the world . That feeling lasted me for a week. From then on, every time I saw him on screen, I remembered those few moments, got a gentle tingle all over, and smiled inside.
HE was a good and sweet man, and I will miss him.

Am I a happy camper or what?

2008-09-12T23:09:00.000-04:00

Why is it that when you do not have any money, in order to go bankrupt, you must put out so much money to file and spend a fortune to actually Go bankrupt??

It isn't the filing fee that is costly, but the lawyers' fees and the classes you must take that can put you into a financial abyss! Then, if you cannot afford the lawyer, you have to face hearings and courts by yourself. Very Scary!! Being in a courtroom is frightening. I have been called for jury duty 3 or 4 times. Never got on one( possibly because every thought I have shows up on my "no poker face; or During a break,I was blowing bubbles on the courthouse steps...).
Who knows...I certainly wanted to serve,partiallyso I could see the legal system at work, do my civic duty, and get paid a whopping $15 a day(obviously I am unemployed). But nooooo...I remained unchosen. By the way, I NEED a JOB! Anybody want an ex-teacher who types 17 w.p.m.???????? I do have a good sense of humor and one of my friends refers to me as "Paulyanna". Now...Who wants to play the GLAD GAME??
God bless whoever is reading this...and God help me, too!

The 23rd Psalm Revisited

2008-09-11T18:28:00.000-04:00

The Earth is our Mother; We shall not want.(How many are in need and left wanting?)

She maketh us to lie down in green pastures:(How many do we have left?)

She leadeth us beside the still waters. (How many are still unpolluted or fit to drink?)

She restoreth our souls:(With how much madness can We cope?)

She leadeth us in the paths of Righteousness for her name's sake. (How much Evil will block our path?)

Yea, though We walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, We will fear no evil: For She is
with us; (How long will We live.before She can no longer thrive?)

Her Atmosphere and her Order, they comfort us.(When will we clean Our air, So All can breathe?)

She preparest a table before us in the presence of Our enemies; (Do we know the Enemies are Us?)

She annointest our heads with oil; Our cups runneth over. (When will we stop fighting over what Little remains?)

Surely, Her goodness and mercy shall follow us all the days of Our lives and We will dwell in
the House of the Earth forever. (That is, If we haven't been completely purged by Her!)

War, intolerance, natural and unnatural disasters, over-population, global warming, abuse of all resources, apathy, and self-interested politics all rip us and the planet apart.

For all our sakes, KNOCK IT OFF AND GROW UP!!